I Miss You

I looked down at the grave, it was still relatively new but some weeds were growing around it. The grass had completely recovered and you couldn’t even tell that just one year ago it was dug up to put someone down. I couldn’t believe it. One whole year since he had passed away. Thinking about it made me cry but unlike all the other times I didn’t try and stop the tears.

“So, you’re gone. I know you’ve been gone for a while but today it finally hit me. I was going through your room - well your old room- and I saw your sweater. Your really old ugly sweater. You liked wearing that thing so much, I don’t even know why it was so atrocious.”

I chuckled dryly and wiped away some tears, “Anyway, when I saw it something in me just broke. It was like I was living this bubble of my own reality, thinking you just away at college or something. I just couldn’t believe you were gone, I didn’t want to believe it. I mean, I’ve known you my whole life, how could you be gone? You called me earlier that day asking if I wanted to go out with you to get coffee and the next call I get is from you in the hospital? Jesus. How could you be dead? Why did you leave me behind? Don’t you remember the promise you told me when we were 7? You said you’d always be with me, you said you always be by my side until we grew old and played poker in the old’s home. It isn’t fair. Why did you just leave me like that? Why did you just give up? The doctor had said that there was a chance for you to survive that crash but you didn’t make it. You gave up. Why did you give up?!”

I took a deep breath and tried to calm down, my head felt like it  was spinning. Closing my eyes I sat down. I sat there for a minute trying to collect myself, trying to remember all the good memories but the only ones that came up were him laying in that hospital bed. I opened my eyes and tried to swallow the lump that felt so heavy in my throat.

“I’m sorry I hadn’t come sooner. I kept trying to make time but I just couldn’t seem to be able to. Or maybe I just couldn’t come because it was hard for me to face the truth that you’re really gone. Who knows.” I sighed, “I have some good news to tell you. Do you remember that house we were looking at? The one at the end of that pretty street? I got the lease for it. I’m moving in next week. When we talked about moving in it seemed so nice and cozy, now that I go in it just seems big and lonely, but I promised you that we were gonna get that house and we did. I’m thinking about maybe getting a dog, might call him Jax after your dad. Maybe it’ll make the house seem less empty. I don’t know.

I miss you, Jay. I miss your morning kisses and your Sunday Pancakes. I miss your silly notes in my lunches and your hilariously unfunny dad jokes. I miss the way you used to hug me when I’m feeling cold and I miss the sound of your voice when you sang. I miss your curly hair tickling my cheek when we kissed and-and-”

My shoulders slumped and I couldn’t stop the sobs from escaping my lips. I sat there for a while before my cries began to slow down. I wiped my tears again and took a deep breath in.

“I just miss you.  And I hope that wherever you are that you’re happy. And I want you to know that no matter what happens, I’ll always love you. No matter what okay? I love you.”

I kissed the tops of my fingertips and pressed them gently on the gravestone, just where his name was spelled out in nice cursive writing. I kept them there for a minute then slowly let my hand fall down onto my lap. I placed the flowers that had been resting on my lap on the head of the gravestone and got up, looking at his name once more before walking back towards my car.